Abram Sauer Online

A month ago over at The Awl I wrote a piece about great Halloween costumes with hints:

Kuato
The Kuato costume can be done by anyone; but for those with an very young infant this has great potential.

Keys: Get a fake bare upper body/torso costume (like this one) or simply a skin-colored body leotard. Cut a hole in the chest area. Place your infant in his/her BabyBjorn/carrier, allowing only the baby’s head and arms to come out of the chest. Put a bald cap on the baby. Don a military surplus jacket. Make zombie face.

Bonus: Bad haircut. Smear the baby with Vaseline. Get your wife/baby mama/significant other to dress as the three-breasted prostitute (NSFW). Teach the baby to say, “Quuaaaaiiiddddd. Quuuaaaiiiiddddd.”

Well, imagine my surprise when I saw the costumes on the Halloween-themed Attack of the Show:

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Wonkette pointed out America’s Greatest Painting Ever.  I concur. As a runner up up entry, I offer the humble work after the jump.

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Back when Cash for Clunkers was rolling, I wrote my first piece for The Awl about one benefit of the program was how it got SUVs, especially Ford Explorers, off the cheap used car market and thus out of ten driver hands. Since then:

“A southeast South Dakota teen has died after the sport-utility vehicle in which he was riding crashed near Volin, authorities say. VanHorn was a passenger in a 1993 Ford Explorer driven by his cousin, Crystal Ann Marie VanHorn, 19, of Yankton, S.D.”

“The male driver’s Ford Explorer was traveling west on Main Street when it drifted across the center line, went off the road on the left side and crossed a ditch and two lawns. It then went back across the ditch, crossed Main Street again, traveled across two lawns, struck a rock and flipped onto its side…”

“A judge set the trial date for Brandon Hodges, Thursday.  The teen was behind the wheel when his Ford Explorer rolled over, killing four of his friends…”

During a recent visit to New York City to, amongst other things, check out this Manhattan JC Penney location everyone is talking about (more on that next week!), I did a little Halloween costume shopping at the New York Costumes superstore on 11th street and Broadway. And keeping with the recent theme of Halloween costumes for racists and bigots (and their dogs), I found the perfect costum…

READ IT

Left: High school teacher becomes lovable, angsty meth dealer

Right: High school teacher becomes lovable, angsty gigolo.

I cannot count the number of North Dakota’s special environment-conservation-themed “Critical Habitat” license plates I’ve seen on monstrous SUVs.

Below is a recent story from the Grand Forks Herald that appeared after the annual rivalry hockey game between the Minnesota Golden Gophers and North Dakota Fighting Sioux. It is awesome for a number of reasons, including the names of the perp and the officer and the subtle homerism of the reporter. In bold. 

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ALTERCATION AFTER HOCKEY GAME LEADS TO JAIL FROM ONE MAN, HOSPITAL FOR ANOTHER

An altercation between fans Friday night after the Sioux-Gopher hockey game at Ralph Engelstad Arena on UND’s campus led to one man being hospitalized in serious condition and another jailed on serious charges.

According to UND Police Chief Duane Czapiewski, Peter Chwialkowski, 28, Oslo, Minn., was arrested about 10:30 p.m. Friday after the altercation at UND and is in the jail Sunday awaiting an initial court appearance Monday on a felony charge of aggravated assault.

Chwialkowski (pronounced “Fee-a-koski”) apparently is a 2004 graduate of UND, originally from the Argyle, Minn., area.

The man injured in the altercation, Jason Smith, 34, Grand Forks, was in serious condition in the intensive care unit of Altru Hospital Sunday, a nursing supervisor said.

UND beat the University of Minnesota Gophers 4-0 on Friday night.

According to Smith’s father, Jason Smith and his brother, Aaron Smith, both Sioux fans, were leaving the arena Friday after the game when Jason was “sucker-punched” by a man who later was arrested…

“Swine Flu: Does the Vaccine Really Work?” For shame Atlantic. I know you went through a tough re-branding recently to appeal more to the kids; but is it necessary to traffic in the kind of fear-mongering employed by Fox and your local nightly news (Something in Your House Right Now Could Kill You! Tune in at ten to find out what!)?

Your story is certainly more complex than your preposterous promo and it certainly undersells its virtues. Sure enough, a check of this issue’s table of contents reveals “To prevent a devastating flu pandemic, the government is relying heavily on vaccines and antivirals. Some experts say that both are quite possibly useless.”

So maybe part of being “punk” is not conforming to society’s bourgeois rules, like apostrophes.

Above: Wendy’s  new ad campaign: “You know when it’s real(TM)” featuring the Bacon Deluxe.

After the jump: A real photo of the new Bacon Deluxe.

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