North Dakota Child: A Guide for Parents
Congratulations! You are going to be a parent / state-appointed guardian of a precious child.
The easy part, be it conception or court hearing, is done. Now begins the long and thankless work of raising a child that will not turn out to be an embarrassment. The decisions you make in raising this son or daughter will have massive ramifications not just on the child him- or herself but also on the future success of our shared society. You have many options. The North Dakota method found in these pages is one; but it is not for everybody.
If you are in possession of this guide you likely came by it one of six ways:
1) You are North Dakotan and want your child’s values and character to respect those of the great state of North Dakota.
2) You fled North Dakota at an early age to “have a life” but still enjoy and miss the place all your acquaintances only know from the film “Fargo.” You want your child to at least have some of this same foundation that you so value.
3) You are in the Air Force.
4) You have a friend or relative in North Dakota with a sense of humor and who, most likely, knows or has met the author and, possibly, was cornered and made to feel some degree of pressure about how this book is an excellent baby gift or Christmas/birthday/Passover present for those living far away.
5) You find having a North Dakota rearing guide amusing and “ironic” because you are condescending and shallow. (Like Minneapolis, don’chya’?)
6) The person before gave it the ringing endorsement of leaving it in the can.
No matter which of these wild generalizations best exactly fits your personal situation, know that the North Dakota method has been designed to provide every child with the same solid base, regardless of his or her actual personal geography. Follow these steps and your child will too grow into a strong North Dakotan, even if, as a parent, you are too selfish or vitamin-D deficient to actually raise him or her in that great state. As a new parent bringing a child into the world and using this book, you have accomplished more than most panda bears. In the exhausting and demanding days and weeks and months and years and decades ahead that will try your very soul, always remember that you have the following going for you: No matter how poorly you are at parenting the North Dakota way, you have done better than a Minnesotan.
Sample Chapter after the jump: