Abram Sauer Online

Are You Without Employment, Self-Respect?

admin — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 13:47:30 +0000

Did you know the Ritz-Carlton South Beach employs a “tanning butler” who walks the grounds during peak tanning hours applying sunscreen to guests’ nooks and crannies as requested? Well, they need a new one:

“The Ritz is hiring a new tanning butler! “We’re looking to fill the position immediately with someone who’s outgoing, positive, energetic and recognizes the role as a brand ambassador,” said Payer. If you think you fit the bill (Requirement #1: The position is for men only) contact the Ritz-Carlton South Beach for details. It’s a good gig, if you can get it — the last tanning butler is on his way to Italy for an Armani modeling gig.”

Hear that? Upward mobility!

Tomorrow’s Drudge Headline Today: “Maybe Leftist Teachers aren’t So Bad”

admin — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 23:08:28 +0000

From the AP: “CENTRAL FALLS, R.I. — A teacher at a failing school where he and all his colleagues are being fired hung an effigy of President Barack Obama in his classroom, apparently in reaction to Obama’s support of extreme measures to ensure accountability in schools.”

Bad Ideas in Movie Posters: New York Edition

admin — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:32:08 +0000

Did nobody look at this and think maybe it was too suggestive?

The Rich Really Aren’t Like You and Me

admin — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:55:28 +0000

“Working out?” I bet they’re doing Kegels.

Jeff Wood Fails to Legislate, Stand Upright

admin — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 00:42:52 +0000

Oh hey, here’s ~~the~~ one of several videos of Wisconsin legislator Jeff Wood getting arrested for DUI. Look out for that first step Jeff, it’s a dooooooozzzzie!

WKRG.com News

The Blind Side Blind

admin — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:14:44 +0000

My favorite part of The Blind Side? Where the racially sensitive family dresses their kid up like an Injun chief. Post racial indeed.

Business Insider gets Yellow Fever

admin — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 14:43:48 +0000

Business Insider posts a headline that maybe, with reflection, might have been something else.

Chickens go Postal

admin — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 14:15:59 +0000

“What the hell is that noise?”

That was my first thought upon entering the post office in the small Wisconsin town yesterday. I was there to mail a package of tax documents. The small post office was overwhelmed with the chirping of birds. Baby birds. Chicks. The post office was full of chirping chicks.

The chicks were all in small cardboard boxes with holes and one of the attendants was weighing each one and posting it. Yes, the chicks were being mailed. It was a bizarre sight and sound. The postman even gave me a look inside one box.

Apparently, the USPS calls this “special handling,” which “is for unusual items that need to be handled specially through the mail – like live poultry and bees. For these items, Special Handling is required. Your package will receive preferential handling to the extent that it’s practical in dispatch and transportation.” (Bolding, mine)

Mail order your poultry today!

Bible Literalist Will now get to Meet all His Neighbors… Forever

admin — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 22:54:17 +0000

From the Grand Forks Herald: “A Mound man charged with sex crimes for allegedly abusing a female relative has told police it was God’s will that he “marry” the girl when she was just 10 years old… [the man] believes the Bible justifies his actions.

The best part though is the closer: “…attorney, David Risk, says some of his client’s beliefs are outside the norm.”

MacBook Goatse FBWEROJWSMOIMLV!!!!!

admin — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 19:56:06 +0000

An Awl reader points out the incredible Apple “goatse” decal nobody will ever, ever put on their computer because GGGGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHEWKN?KNJAO:WIJMK:L!!!

The NSFW image after the jump.

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